Child and Family Studies
by AnthroQueen
Summary: Jeff Winger wonders how his life spiraled so far out of his control- and why he doesn't seem to care.


Child and Family Studies

Jeff Winger wondered just when his apartment turned into an aisle straight out of Babies 'R Us and when his life turned into an episode of _Who's the Boss?_

He decided at the tender age of ten that if he wanted to achieve happiness in life, the last thing he wanted to do was make connections with people. Making connections meant feeling and feeling meant vulnerability and vulnerability meant legitimately caring about people. And if Jeff knew one thing was for sure, he knew caring was absolutely _lethal_. If someone knew you cared, they knew your weakness. So Jeff lived the life of anonymity; befriending people but never getting too close, having intimate relations with women he knew only as "Car-Wash Redhead" or "Bank Teller Blonde," and ultimately cutting himself away from people the moment he felt they cared, as if their feelings were an infectious disease.

But all of this was before he met Britta Perry.

There were not enough words in the English language to describe Britta Perry. She was the only reason Jeff had ever learned what it truly meant to care about people, because _she_ showed him how. Somehow, through his many failed attempts at asking her out and her insistence that they strictly study Spanish, they had become the adoptive parents of five loveable misfits- a prim and proper former drug addict, a strong and compassionate mother of two, a senile, racist, and homophobic business tycoon, a former high school jock who was about much more than just football, and a young man who has watched so many movies and television shows that he could apply any number of them to _every_ life situation. Asperger's syndrome or just comedic gold?

Through the growth and development of their "family," Britta had taught Jeff more about himself than he had even known to look for. Of course, being the founding two, they were seen as the "Greendale parents," even though Pierce and at times Annie truly resented that. They didn't act particularly affectionate, as real parents would, except for the infamous paintball game which ended in sexual intercourse- which they would later deem "meaningless,' but which had much more meaning than either of them were willing to admit to themselves. But then Jeff kissed Annie, and that had pretty much diminished everything the two felt for each other.

Except, it didn't.

The day they had decided to enter their relationship one-upmanship, Jeff had decided that since they were technically dating, they could technically have sex and, technically, no one would know or care, because technically, that's what technical couples did all the time. Britta agreed, saying that technically these were their lives and they could technically do whatever they wanted, since they technically had something to prove to their classmates and study group and they _were_ technically dating.

So that's how they ended up having sex. Again. _Technically_.

It was rationale, because both were too proud, too petty to admit that they had actually _enjoyed_ the sex the first time. But even though neither would admit it, it kept happening. Again and again, until it was happening so much, they needed to devise a plan so the group wouldn't find out. Jeff's date with Gwynnifer? Britta's idea; he'd gone far too long without mentioning a girl and they didn't want the group to get suspicious. Britta's six-pack of condoms in her bag? Yeah, Jeff wasn't surprised to find them there, because _he _was the one using them. And just _how_ did Britta know what underwear Jeff usually wears? It all makes sense, right?

They weren't seeing each other, but they weren't _not_ seeing each other, either. Britta shot Annie a suspicious glance in Troy and Abed's blanket fort when she mentioned "being convincing" for her and Jeff's conspiracy plot on the Dean. Jeff felt an overwhelming surge of jealousy as a guy from their Anthropology class so obviously checked out and then proceeded to hit on Britta a week or so later. They didn't really know how to describe what they had, but they were pretty sure "meaningless sex" didn't seem to fit anymore.

Jeff entered his apartment that night, exhausted and more than ready for a beer. It had been a _long_ day at the firm- he had secured his position at the law firm the moment his degree was fresh from the printer- and he was looking forward to a night of drinking and television before ultimately hitting the sack. The apartment was mostly dark; the only light coming from the kitchen and a glowing sense around the closed door at the end of the hallway. But just because the apartment was dark, didn't mean it could be left that way. Jeff knew that if he didn't flip on a light soon, he'd trip over clothing, books, or magazines. Their apartment was a mess, and that's how he knew Britta had had one of those days too.

Along with his decision at ten years old to not connect with people, Jeff Winger decided never to get married. If connecting was lethal, marriage was one step further. Shirley would say that it was because of his fear of commitment. Annie would say it's because he only wants meaningless sex- there's that term again- with random strangers. But the real reason he didn't get married was because he was old enough to watch his parents' marriage crumble and his father take off, never to be seen again. He knew what marriage did to people- it destroyed them. And even though the study group would disagree, Jeff knew there was no way he could change that from happening. Unfortunately, he hadn't kept the promise to himself about connecting with people. He cared about and actually even _loved_ each of the members of his study group.

Glancing down at the barren ring finger on his left hand, Jeff smiled wryly. At least he had managed to keep _one_ promise.

Hearing commotion, namely squealing and screeching, coming from the bathroom, Jeff couldn't help the sappy smile from forming on his face as he made his way down the hallway. It was after nine, he noticed as he glanced at his watch, but that didn't deter him from sneaking up on this scene that to him, sounded like the circus had come into town. He heard splashing and laughing and guessed Britta was most likely drenched from head to toe by now. That alone was worth the few extra minutes of hunger and exhaustion.

Easing the door open, Jeff leaned against the doorframe as he took in the sight before him. Sure enough, Britta was nearly soaked; the front of her jeans was dark with water, the front of her shirt had a long line of water stain dripping down the middle. But she was up to her elbows in soapy water, grinning and continuing to chant some ridiculous nursery rhyme that Jeff was surprised she knew. She was getting all kinds of response from the two young girls in the bathtub, the older singing along, the younger giggling and clapping giddily.

"Five little monkeys swinging from a tree! Teasing Mr. Alligator can't catch me! Along comes Mr. Alligator, quiet as can be… And snaps that monkey right out of the tree!"

With the 'snap,' the three of them became even wetter than they were before. Britta glanced at the older girl. "How many monkeys now, El?"

"Four!" She squealed and Britta nodded happily, continuing her song. "Four little monkeys swinging from a tree! Teasing Mr. Alligator can't catch me! Along comes Mr. Alligator, quiet as can be… And snaps that monkey right out of the tree!"

Jeff chuckled inaudibly as he watched the scene unfold. "Monkey-eating alligators? What kind of song are you teaching them?"

All three heads snapped to his direction and the young children grinned with even more excitement. "Daddy!"

"Elle Belle, My Mys," Jeff addressed each of his children with their fond nicknames before turning to Britta. "Extremely wet dragon turtle."

Britta smiled, but the genuineness had somewhat worn off. "Wow, your nicknames for me just keep getting better and better."

"Oh sure, like _you're_ known for your wit and humor," Jeff smirked. "Britta the Buzz Kill."

"Daddy," The older girl cut in. "You don't like our song?"

Four-year-old Elena Noelle Winger was the product of a night of "meaningless sex" back in February of their sophomore year at Greendale. Britta and Jeff had thought they had perfected their protection methods, as by February they had been doing just that for four months, but by the time school started again after summer vacation, with Britta six months pregnant, it was clear to the rest of the group that she and Jeff were more than "just friends." They coped as best as they could, but with two personalities as strong as theirs- not to mention the fact that neither one had ever planned on having kids- the rest of the pregnancy and labor had been pretty difficult.

But none of the arguments mattered by the time Elena was born.

She was born with soft, honey blonde hair and Jeff's deep blue eyes and instantly melted each of her parents' hearts. Britta had sighed with relief when she noted Elena had not inherited Jeff's nose, and the latter could only accept her comment and hope Elena didn't end up with Britta's personality. The name Elena sounded old-fashioned and elegant; Noelle came from the Christmas season she was born in, seeing as she was born just ten days before Christmas- not that Jeff or Britta cared, mind you. Elena was the missing piece of their lives that they didn't know they needed, the reminder that they needed to grow up, but it didn't have to be as bad as they expected.

"No Elle Belle, I love your song," Jeff replied. "Why doesn't My Mys get to sing?"

Elena looked at her father as if he were crazy; the same look Britta shot him all the time and he _swore_ he saw a mini-version of her for a moment. "Because she doesn't know the words."

Two-year-old Myah Lillian Winger was the result of a graduation ceremony gone terribly wrong. Jeff and Britta probably should've known better than to trust Starburns at his graduation party two years prior, and they _definitely_ shouldn't have drank a drop of the mysteriously-named "Starjuice." But, never the two to say yes to reason _or_ to turn down an alcoholic drink, they ended up waking up the next morning on Starburns' couch, naked, and with no one else in sight. A few months later, they finally pieced together that they were probably too drunk to even worry about using protection, because they found themselves somehow explaining to Elena that she was going to be a big sister.

Myah was born the February after Elena turned two and when they added her to their so-called "family," they decided they were done having kids. Two were a handful, especially with Jeff back to work and Britta… well, she was still trying to figure out what she was supposed to be doing with her life. She and Jeff had realized that meaningless sex had turned into a relationship. That relationship had turned into producing children and the children had brought out the true love that they felt for one another. Sure it was a bit backwards, but that was the way it was. Plus, they were Jeff and Britta- did they _ever_ do things conventionally?

Jeff and Britta hadn't gotten married, but maybe that would change someday. Maybe it wouldn't. Their main focus was on raising Elena and Myah the best they could without any real knowledge of what they were doing, and who said you needed to be married for that? This new bunch of misfits had somehow become a family, except this was _real_. They were _real_ parents and these were their _real_ kids and there was no walking away from the situation once the day was done, like with their "family" at Greendale.

And oddly, Jeff was okay with that.


End file.
